The Calm After the Storm

Dear Muir Rock Family,

Good news.... I sort of made it through the celebration of life service of another immediate family member.

• Teri on 4/2/23 - Until We Meet Again

• Dad on 1/12/25 - My Dad Passed Away

That's not even two years apart. 651 days to be exact. Both on a Sunday morning. Both on days I was scheduled to serve at church. Both on days I'll never forget and continue to feel like they were yesterday. Seriously.

God REALLY must have some crazy plan for me. I don't get it. Hopefully in heaven I can still be an influencer, as I really want to do a podcast with him and ask, "Really God? Taking Teri and my dad, 651 days apart, so they can be with you and not me??" It doesn't seem fair to most, but it's also not fair that he's blessed me in so many ways. I'm thankful to be alive, healthy, and have the luxury of time, being able to write posts like these. And to have friends like you that still read.

These losses are so different in so many ways. It will take lots of time to process all of this. Both are pretty terrible. Grief is so complicated and why I can write about it every day If I wanted to. I probably have a lot more to write about over the next few weeks.

Don't worry... no one needs to keep reminding me that:

• God is in control

• They are in a better place

• They are not suffering anymore

• You're doing great with handling your grief

• I should meet someone (since I'm still young)

But you can remind me if you insist.

I heard the stuff above many times. Sometimes I get annoyed. Sometimes I'm good and I'm reminded that everyone means well and loves me a lot. It takes a lot of humility every time I hear the stuff above to just be thankful.

Celebration of Life Service - My Dad

Thank You Friends and Family for Your Love and Support!

What a day it was. Hard to really describe how I feel about all of it. Overall, the day went so well and provided much needed closure for all of us. It was a very special day with everything coming together and exceeding expectations in so many ways. I wish all of you were there. So thankful it was recorded.

I think it's hilarious that Edwin can sometimes be a better project manager than me. Or at least he can get a lot of stuff done and I'm the one who needs reminders. Regardless, I'm better than him with JIRA and Excel. Okay, maybe only a few people would understand since you didn't grow up with him. Remember, I'm the organized one with all the degrees/certifications. We are pretty much the opposite. He actually likes running and I'm already dreading having to run tomorrow morning. Okay nevermind. Anyways I digress and am just beyond grateful for him coming in pretty clutch these past few weeks with the eulogy and service planning. Of course, Emilyn and Eric delivered as well. It was quite the team effort that makes me smile thinking about.

Celebration of Life Service - Thanks Edwin for the quick turnaround! And doing most of the work for the event itself.

I'm also so thankful for all the hard work that was put into the slideshow. Edwin somehow finished this with several days to spare (vs. me who would have finished it on the morning of the service). Here it is:

I was able to watch it a few times before the service. It really helped me go from "work/busy" mode to "remembering dad" mode. It wasn't an easy watch for me the first time around. I'm thankful I have this to watch when I want to remember my amazing dad.

I actually get exhausted just thinking of all the hard work it took to make the slideshow. He also did this for Teri's celebration of life service. Thanks Edwin.

Calm After the Storm (Not before)

Since dad passed away on 1/12, it's been non-stop for me, helping out with the service, hosting family, and working. Triathlon and marathon training has taken a bit of a hit. Oh well, plenty of time till my next race (half marathon in 4 days). Thanks to the emotional roller coaster I've been on since early 2023 with Teri, I feel like I know what to expect for the most part.

• Life as of (1/29, 10:47PM) feels good. Celebration of life service went well. Family seems to be happy and felt like we had good closure.

• Extended family will leave town (tomorrow). I will go to the office after dropping Neal and Le Jay off at SNA.

• Bereavement leave at work will end. Back to normal life in the office starting next week.

• Life will go back to normal for everyone, except for:

  • My siblings - Emilyn, Eric, Edwin

  • My dad's sister - Auntie Bing

  • My dad's other siblings that were close to him - Uncle Bebot, Uncle Froi, Auntie Liliet

  • My dad's close doctor friend - Dr. Baron

  • A handful of other extended family members (not gonna mention everyone). It's mostly the people In this photo:

    
    

Celebration of Life Service - 1/28/25

This is a pretty darn important family photo. I've taken a TON of family photos. I'll show my favorite one first before talking about this one:

Terwin's Wedding - 9/8/19

Not much to explain about why this photo is my favorite. It's very very sad that both Teri and dad aren't here on this earth. Would be really nice if I could take a photo with all these people + a little Terwin since we were starting our surrogacy process in early 2023. Did I tell you guys that we were talking to surrogacy agencies the week we found out about her cancer coming back?! Crazy.

Okay back to the group photo we took yesterday. I just find it so beautiful to take a group picture with all of the closest people that's been in Dad's life. With the exception of Jeana (Eric's mom who was with my dad for a long time), this photo captures pretty much everyone, including my mom.

Perhaps one of the BEST things my mom and dad has done for me and her kids was to always model a very loving relationship with each other. So it means a lot to me that she's in the photo and she attended the funeral. I can't explain it fully right now, but I know it contributes a lot to me getting to a "rebuilding and remembering" phase with my dad. Thank you Mom.

What Do I need going forward?

Okay it's getting late and I've been on a roll of writing shorter blog posts which hopefully you appreciate. While writing this post, a close friend of mine asked me this question:

My friend lost her mom a few weeks ago. Do you have suggestions on how I can support her?

I guess this got me thinking about myself since my dad passed away a few weeks ago. Here's a more organized answer (than what I wrote to her earlier). Perhaps this guide can help you think about how you approach your friends and family (not just me) regarding their grief journey and how you can support them:

1. Go to the funeral/celebration of life service (if possible)

When I was planning Teri's celebration of life service, I remember telling Tiffany and a few others coordinating logistics that I didn't want to invite everyone to attend. I was concerned it would be too overwhelming or too crowded. Besides, we would record it so people can just watch it later.

Looking back, I remember almost everyone that attended. Same thing with my dad's service. It was really nice seeing people attend, even if they didn't really know my dad.

But what if they didn't tell you about the event or couldn't make it?

That's OK. I missed several funerals because of work and other reasons that come up. It actually is an overwhelming event, similar to a wedding. If there's a recording, try to watch it. I was really encouraged by the people that told me they watched my podcast about my dad and pointed out a few things that they remembered.

But what if they didn't record it?

Tell them to start a blog and subscribe to it and then comment/text them about It every time they post! Okay sorry, bad joke. Tell them to do a podcast if they don't like writing. LOL again. I'm smiling right now and smiling is a good thing, right?

2. Find practical ways to help that works for you, and just do it.

It's just not easy for most people (including me) to specifically ask for help. I think I am better at it now but I have a long way to go come to think of it. This past few weeks, I've really appreciated some of my friends offering to send meals to my house. Or just send me messages to see how I'm doing. Just feeling remembered with a simple message goes a very long way.

Some have also stepped up in their own ways, like taking my clothes to the dry cleaners (thanks again Jeff) and helping me with my day job (thanks again Shirley). Meli and Greg always come through with taking care of Mayo. Sucheta sent me Crumbl cookies. I'm really loved by so many people, beyond what I ever deserve.

Left photo - Mike H. sending food for our prayer meeting (9th day of Dad's passing)

Right photo - Dan and Julianna showing up to my Yoga class to take me to dinner afterwards

The bottom line is, there's life that's going on (usually overwhelming already) and adding the loss of a loved one means people will get even more overwhelmed. All the little help adds up. One thing you do means one less thing for the person to think about. Life will sort of go back to normal again (usually In a few months).

3. Remember the calm after the storm

Like I wrote earlier, life is gonna go back to normal for everyone, except for the people closest to the person that passed away. I'll say it again.... year 2 of losing Teri was much harder than year 1. Why? Since you feel so alone in the grief journey that never seems to end. People want you to move on. People want you to meet someone new. Speaking of which, we spent lots of time with family these past few days talking about who I should date. Eric suggested I pay anyone $10,000 if they introduce me to someone and I get engaged to them. That got me thinking. Okay I digress again but you get the point, please don't forget about people's loved ones who are no longer on this earth with us. We can remember them while still moving forward.

4. Everyone has different needs. What works for me may NOT work for others.

What I'm writing about is just what comes to mind. I've seen first hand that everyone grieves very differently. Some people really may not want you to attend the funeral because they do get overwhelmed and want to just focus on their immediate family. Some people don't want to talk about their loved ones that are no longer with us.

I think most people are NOT like me. I don't really know anyone besides Tiffany Chen that does stuff like blog about grief. She's the one who told me about this idea in the first place. I only have one friend that is signed up for a full ironman this year. Everyone is different when it comes to what works for them. So I guess me writing all of this down as a guide to help others doesn't make too much sense. My needs change all the time too. Yay ADHD. Goal for 2025 = don't buy a new car. I really really don't need one. Or a new bike. Or more clothes. Okay you get it.

5. Take care of yourself.

   
   

This is really an "Erwin" thing and not a universal, everyone thinks about this while grieving sort of thing. Losing both Teri and my dad was a really important reminder about how we need to take care of ourselves.

I'll say it bluntly since it's my blog. I really really wish both Teri and my dad did a better job with their health. Would they be still living if they did? Only God knows. My dad saved thousands of lives as a trauma surgeon. What if he saved fewer lives but spent more time taking care of himself?? I guess that's the life he chose to live, and I need to accept that. But it's sure hard to, since I really would rather have him here.

I know I know. I'm terrible with taking care of myself with eating A LOT at night. I am committed to working on this and don't plan on having 2025 be another year of yo yo dieting and complaining about the same stuff.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I really hope people can do what they need to do to take care of themselves better. Loving Erwin and friends that have lost loved ones means loving yourself too, so you can hopefully spend lots of years on earth with him. Does this make sense?

In more practical terms, my dad calling me to tell me he's been walking and eating cauliflower rice really meant alot to me. It would mean a lot to me if we can accomplish our 2025 goals together. Let's talk about them.

Sleepytime

Okay it is time for bed! I am NOT taking care of myself sleeping this late. Thank you for reading. I'm sorry if I may have hurt or offended anyone with this post. We can talk about it. Or If you wanna hang out and talk about my dad, you know where to reach me. Mayo also needs to walk around the lake, he misses you too.

Blessings,

Erwin

A great time as always, despite the circumstances. See you all in May. - Neal

Revision Log:

A - 2/2/25 - Fixed Typos