Sharing My Story Again

Dear Muir Rock Family,

Happy Sunday, hope you're all doing well. Not sure where to start again, but I'll try to make this quick so I can get to bed early.

TLDR: Life is good, thankful for friends, family, work, church, community, triathlon, yoga, new friends, sharing my story again, being alive.

Spiritual Discernment Group

I'll start with today since it's so fresh on my mind.

After church, I attended a Spiritual Discernment Group, a space for people to reflect, listen, and ask God questions like, “What are You doing here… what are You doing in me?” The group will meet for the next six weeks to help each other process life—whether it’s a recent experience, a major decision, or just the ongoing search for clarity.

Huge thanks to Grace from church for inviting me to be a part of this group!

Today I learned an important lesson. Lately, I've found it safer to write about my feelings rather than speak them out loud. Writing here on Muir Rock, or privately in my journal, gives me space and comfort. It lets me process all this stuff on my own time, reflect on what's happening, and work through the hard questions without feeling exposed. I can press backspace whenever I want and feel good about what I "submit" when I'm done, unless I'm in a rush and trying to sleep.

I'd say writing here is always a nice treat after a long day or week.

So today I did something I haven't done in several months. I shared my story in person again.

I was hesitant at first. I really don't like speaking in front of groups unless I'm prepared. Or I have some PowerPoint slides or photos. I'm really trying to work on my communication and public speaking skills this year. I have a long way to go.

Like the blog, I was all over the place. But it all worked out. And we ended on time. I love it when discussion groups end on time :)

While I've shared my story enough times, I didn't think I was expecting that I'd do it today. In front of five other people. Out of the five, four of them were strangers to me. But I felt like it was a very safe space. And it really was.

My Story - Quick Recap

Since most of you reading this are regulars, you probably already know my story. Thank you for being a part of it. Here's the quick recap:

• I met Teri in March 2017 through eHarmony.

• A few months later (July), we found out she had cancer for the first time.

• We got engaged in September 2017.

• She underwent a hysterectomy, was diagnosed with Stage 1A cancer, and went through six rounds of chemo.

• We got married in September 2019.

• Our first year of marriage was really tough, and she moved back to Atlanta in August 2020.

• We reconciled, and she came back in December 2020.

• Things got much better for us in 2021 and 2022.

• In February 2023, we found out the cancer had returned.

• Just six weeks later, on April 2, 2023, she passed away.

First meeting (2017) | Engaged (2017) | Palm Springs Trip (2018) | Married (2019) | Hospital (2023) | Israel (2023)

I shared about losing Teri (my story above), along with my dad’s recent passing, and the weight of discerning whether I should date again. I thought, well instead of writing a blog post, I can just talk all this out.

The structure we followed was quite simple but powerful: I spoke, we paused, people asked questions, we paused again, and then I prayed, followed by the facilitator’s prayer. I love structure. but it didn't really feel structured. The one hour and 45 minutes we spent together went by really fast.

It was meaningful—but not easy. Let me explain why. But first...

Erwin's latest obsession - Yoga Sculpt class

Most of you know that I got some important races coming up like the LA Marathon and Oceanside 70.3. But why train for those when I can just go to 10+ hours of yoga classes every week?? Core Power has this brilliant idea called Choose Your Challenge. You can try to take 10, 20, or 30 classes from Feb 1 to Mar 2. And since they have these posters on the board, of course I need to drop everything else I'm doing in life and take as many classes as possible.

As of Feb 16, I'm at 29 classes (photo is from yesterday).

Each of those boxes represents an hour of yoga. So to hit 29 classes in 16 days, I’ve either been going every day or doubling up. That’s a lot on top of work, taking care of Mayo, church, and everything else. But hey, it’s just yoga, right?

Honestly, this obsession with getting to 30 classes doesn’t make any sense—I still have two weeks left. But something about this chart excites me. I love charts. Especially for the world to see. Oh well. I’m having fun. Not sure though if this will help with the LA Marathon. Probably not.

With all this, I haven’t had many moments to really sit down and talk about Teri. Or even process what’s really going on. I have therapy every other week, but that’s about it. I’m busy. Everyone’s busy. It’s been over 22 months since she passed. I’m in this phase of rebuilding and remembering, focusing on moving forward. Like I said at the start of this post, life is good. I’m truly thankful to be alive.

So great job, Erwin, for taking a ridiculous number of yoga classes. I’m sure you’ll find something else to obsess over soon, right? Not yet. I actually signed up for Yoga Sculpt teacher training. If I love this class so much, shouldn’t I learn more about it? Yep. That’s exactly what people like me do. Hopefully, it’ll be fun.

But the real reason I’m sharing all this about yoga? It’s been a huge distraction. A good one, maybe, but still a distraction.

Back to today's story

I haven’t spoken about Teri in this way for a while. I haven’t had to describe the roller coaster of grief, the memories, or the questions that still linger. There’s something different about saying it out loud and seeing people, especially strangers, react to hearing the news.

When I write like I am now, I have control over the words. But when I speak, it's just so different. It's like I went from my current busy world, full of healthy distractions, to the world I miss the most. Talking about the most important things on my mind. And that's still about Teri and my story.

While sharing, I was reminded that there's nothing else I'd still rather do with my free time than write a book. What happened to that goal? I still wanna do it. Is it too late? Not really, but I better get on it. Why keep waiting if this book is really important to me.

There were lots of feelings during my time sharing. It was a mix of vulnerability and relief, like stepping into something I know is good for me but still unfamiliar. Maybe that’s part of the discernment process—not just asking God for answers, but also being willing to share where we are, even when it’s hard.

For now, I’m grateful. Grateful for the space, my new friends who took the time to listen, and the reminder that perhaps the next step in healing is simply speaking the truth more, out loud.

What am I afraid of?

It’s crazy how a group of strangers with a common goal can start to feel like lifelong friends in less than two hours. Seriously.

When someone in the group asked me, “What are you afraid of?” it hit me harder than I expected.

I think what scares me most is feeling like I’m moving forward but leaving Teri behind, or worse, that the deeper I go into my new life, the more distant she becomes. No doubt there is still tension between embracing the present and holding onto the past, and I don’t always know how to navigate it.

Sometimes, I even wonder if it’s crazy that I still have this blog. I always say I could write forever, but I don’t fully understand why. Maybe writing is how I keep certain parts of my life close. Does moving forward mean closing this blog, or starting a new one?

I also shared that I’m afraid of getting it wrong in relationships.

I tell my therapist that one of my biggest fears is sitting across from him one day and saying, “I met someone at yoga. She’s the one. I really like her, but we don’t align on values.” That thought unsettles me because I know how much values matter. I talk about values with some of my close friends quite often. Of course values should be the most important. But is it really to me?

And then there is my ADHD. I talked to my group about how often I would get laser focused on something that drove Teri absolutely crazy. I worry that I will do the same thing again in future relationships, getting so fixated on something that I lose sight of what really matters.

But I also know that part of this journey is learning to sit with the fear, acknowledge it, and trust that I don’t need to have all the answers today. It's also OK to make mistakes. I feel like I have enough people that care enough about me to speak truth into my life if I really start to head down a path I shouldn't be heading, especially in the area of relationships.

Despite all of this, I am really grateful for where I am today. And honestly, I think I will have better days and make better decisions if I just get more sleep. Maybe one day I'll be like Edwin and get a "100" sleep score. Usually I average in the 60s-70s (using Garmin). One can dream. So on that note, I am wrapping this up.

Thanks for reading and have a great week! Let's hang out soon. TBD if I will do anything for my birthday. Sorry about always being so last minute.

Blessings,

Erwin