22 months | Our Stuff

Happy Sunday everyone,

I got a little bit of time before church today, so I’ll try to make this quick so I can clear my head with everything that’s happened in the last several days.I’m in bed, resting because I just did a race that started at 5 AM so I woke up at 3AM. I’m a bit tired. And feeling down lately, part of it is the race.

I don’t really know where to start. It’s a bit overwhelming to still be thinking about Teri, and now my dad. So I guess I’ll start with today.

Disneyland Half Marathon

I had the opportunity to do this race for a friend, who was recently injured. i’m thankful I could step in and do these things with less than a week notice. I haven’t really been properly training, I’ve been a bit lazy these last few weeks and also hurt both of my arms, not sure why. I may need physical therapy. We will see how it goes.

Race morning was a bit of a mess, I got lost for 45 minutes trying to figure out where to park. I ended up parking in a random lot, thank God I didn’t get towed. Overall, I should be pretty happy with my time, as it should’ve been much worse, given my lack of training. I’m glad it’s over. I’m probably one of the very few people at a Disney race that wasn’t really happy all morning, everyone else seemed like they were having a great time. Oh well. At least I got home pretty quickly.

It didn’t have to be a mess. I could’ve spent a few minutes doing some research and not just assume that I just need to put in Disneyland park in the GPS and I would get to the right place. This always happens, extra stress on race day for no reason.

During the race when things got pretty difficult, I was thinking of both Teri and my dad. As usual, I thought about Teri at the hospital, working really hard those last few days to stay alive. I think I’m a bit traumatized by it come to think about it. It makes me pretty sad thinking about how difficult it must have been for her. But she made it to the finish line, and is now in heaven, having a time of her life, free from suffering.

I thought about my dad as well, and how giving up in the operating room was just never an option. I ran a race in an hour and 40 minutes. Like all my races, those last 3 miles took out quite a bit of me mentally and physically. I then thought about my dad, having to do back to back surgeries to literally save people’s lives. Many times without pay, because they didn’t have insurance. That just sounds so darn stressful. And he did this for like 45 years! Crazy stuff. I get so exhausted thinking about it.

What’s even more crazy is this was his normal day, and he rarely would talk about it. Whenever I do something, especially a race, everyone needs to know about it. That’s why I have this blog…

I really can’t wait to see both of them in heaven. Along with our many other loved ones that are not here on this earth. That day will come one day, so for now I’ll focus on the people here. Everywhere day here is a gift from God.

Races - A healthy distraction?

If you read my previous post, I wouldn’t say it’s been “calm” yet, since usually I’m quite occupied during any race week. I’m trying to get a lot of last-minute training in, trying to lose extra pounds, the usual.

Now the race is over, I don’t really have anything until the LA marathon on March 18. That will be here before I know it, and I’m dreading the idea of getting those long runs in after today.

But I guess that’s also why I signed up. So I can continue to do hard things, and I know doing a marathon is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, even harder in some ways than a full ironman. Running for 4 hours at a very high heart rate can make me go to a very dark place, as I’ve done it three times in the past. It’ll be a lot better though if I just put the time in with training, and set some realistic expectations.

22 Months

February 2 marks 22 months since Teri passed away. Two more months until year 2. Hopefully year 3 will be easier? Not sure. It’s been really surreal thinking about everything that’s happened since we found out about the cancer. Yea I know I said this 100 times.

While I try to do my best to write down in this blog and share with you, I don’t think I’ve really done a great job communicating really how it’s been really going since Teri passed away. It’s so complicated, I don’t think I’m that great with words. I’m getting better, but when I read my posts from the past, I feel like I’m always missing what’s really going on. I should’ve taken English classes in high school more seriously. I guess it’s still something I could work on.

I also feel like when I see people in person, I’m a different person than what I write here. I’m very quick to tell everyone I’m fine, and there’s a good amount of truth to that. Maybe I just use the blog to express what I end up leaving out when I see people. It takes time to talk through all this stuff.

Some days I still get very sad, wishing she was here. I really miss her, and the more time goes on, the more I just want to be single for real, but then I think, if I meet someone, that should make things better. Just like when we got Mayo a few days after Mustard passed away.

Our Stuff

Lately I’ve been having an ongoing battle with everything related to our stuff. For example, the Tesla model Y. While it’s a perfectly great car for me to drive until it breaks down, sometimes I think about getting something else. Then I think, how could I do that? That was her car.

Then I tell myself, the last thing Teri is thinking about in heaven is what car I drive. I’m sure she would just want to make sure my money goes to a good place, like donating to the BibleProject. She’s also probably thinking, Erwin, none of these cars will really satisfy you, I really think you should just read your bible and fall in love with Jesus. That’s all she was really doing during her last 1.5 years on earth. An anxious-free last six weeks on this earth didn’t happen by accident. Since we don’t know how many days we have left, why would I wait and not prioritize my faith like she did?

So I’ve been slowly reading my bible again, continuing where I left off in Jeremiah on my Bible Project reading plan. I’m also enjoying the Mariners devotional book that Limi and Steve gave me for Christmas. I also need to stop being so hard on myself. My relationship with Jesus is so much more than just checking off the devos habit every day.

I think about all the other random stuff around the house. I have these blue recycle bins, that I was never really fond of. Should I get rid of them and get something else? I have my dad‘s fancy trash can he was obsessed about getting that’s still in the garage. Then I’m reminded again, there’s no one on this earth, and in heaven, that cares about what recycle bin I use.

As many of you know, I go back-and-forth about meeting someone new. Some days I go to yoga class and I see someone cute, and then I get really excited. In fact, when I am lonely, I’ll usually resort to just going to a random yoga class, since you never know who will be there...

Some days, I remind myself how blessed I am to have a simple, fulfilling life. I have a really cute dog, a great job, nice place to live, and good health. Do I really want to possibly change all that when I meet someone?

I’m getting close to being in the best shape of my life, even better than before I met Teri. I’m growing physically stronger, focusing more on my diet and sleep, and mentally tackling more challenging things—like running today’s race.

Life is really good. But sometimes, it feels a bit purposeless because so much of what I talk about revolves around me.

I also have been staring at this thumbprint tree from our wedding a lot more than usual. It’s a beautiful frame, makes me happy still looking at it, but there will be a day when I should take it down. Thankfully, not today.

What else is on my mind?

I know it’s really up to me to decide if I still want to drown in grief, be sad about the past, or be more proactive in getting to a better place.

OK, I’m not really drowning…. maybe just today I don’t feel the best. I’m probably just being really hard on myself because of my race. It’s also not that fun to do these races by yourself, which is pretty much what I do for the most part now. I’m sure I’ll feel a lot better after I go to church.

What do I need these days?

With the exception of my therapist, it’s probably pretty difficult for friends and family to tell me honestly what they think I really need to move forward and get better. Most things that are considered “lectures“ still annoy me, I just don’t want to hear it. Emilyn gets on my case, all the time, about my messy house. Instead of just keeping my stuff in order just like I was doing when Teri was here, I’ll make excuses or tell her to focus on her own stuff. Change is very difficult. Especially at night, when I’m so tired from a long day, and I just wanna do whatever I feel like. Usually that resorts to me eating a lot more than I should.

This is a lot of the stuff that I talk about with my therapist. It’s not that complicated, I think his main message to me is, why do you need a Teri to tell you what to do? Why can’t you just do it yourself? And he’s absolutely right.

Not to make excuses, but part of what I’ve discovered about myself stems from my childhood. While I love my dad deeply and he was always kind to me, he didn’t really discipline me when I probably needed it. I didn’t have to wait for much. If I wanted something, he would eventually get it for me, and the longest I ever had to wait was a few weeks.

He would often say that providing for me in this way was his way of showing love, especially since he was such a busy surgeon. I’m so thankful for everything he did because I know it came from the goodness of his heart and his love for all of us.

I just wish we could’ve talked more about these things. After learning so much from the celebration of life service, there’s so much I wish I could say to him now.

That’s it for today

Time to go to church :)

I’m really privileged that there are people that still read this blog, and if you’re one of those, thank you. I hope it’s been helpful with keeping a pulse on how I’m doing. Hopefully I can be a better friend as well, if there’s anything I can do, just let me know.

Blessings,

Erwin