20 Months | Calm, quiet, relax...at the lake

Happy Thursday everyone,

I can't believe it's been about a month since my last post! Not good. I miss writing here.

Hope you are all having a good week so far. This draft post has been almost done for a few weeks. I’ll finally wrap it up now, as I skipped a TimeLeft dinner today to just stay at home vs. trying to meet new people. I need more of these days at home, especially during the holidays.

All my random content on social media... why?

For those that follow me.... you've probably seen all sorts of random stuff on food, dancing, Mayo, etc. Why? Not really sure. There's no real purpose to all of this, I guess I'm just finding new ways to have fun and not worry too much about what other people think about my life and what I do.

If you're not following me, don't worry, you're not missing out on much, lol.

I do have a handful of random things that I tell all my friends about, like eating raw salmon from Costco. Or what great deals I find at Grocery Outlet. I guess now I'm fine just telling everyone about it. Or maybe I haven't had as many close friends in my life to just share these day to day things with. Not sure. I'm thankful though that many people I haven't talked to have said they find the content entertaining. Here's one video that didn't make it to instagram but makes me happy watching it:

Yes, there was ~20 videos like these recorded before I posted the one on social media. I'm just not a dancer. But perhaps I will be in 2025, with lots of help from friends like Phoebe...

I've gotten behind in blogging, partly because of the time it takes to post these videos. That's really it. It's been a nice distraction vs. reflecting on what's really going on these days with this blog posts.

Not much else with me going on besides the usual - work, church, holiday stuff/parties, working out, etc...

I'm so thankful for lots of messages regarding how I'm getting through the holidays. Overall, things have been pretty good. Every day I'm so thankful to wake up and get to do what I do - At home with Mayo, at the gym, at the office, church, and with friends and family.

Thanksgiving Weekend

Yes, way overdue but still worth sharing about. Lots of other stuff to talk about as well that I'll save for later.

Instead of spending a long time writing about every single detail that happened the long weekend, here's a photo to summarize it:

Did you make your own turkey, chef Erwin?

This year, I decided not to make my own turkey for Thanksgiving—it just felt too overwhelming again. Thankfully my good friend Sucheta came up with two brilliant ideas:

1. Have someone else cook the turkey.

2. Make butter cake from scratch. Yum!!

The first idea was a lifesaver. Lin Hoi Deli in Garden Grove cooked my frozen turkey (which I’d picked up at Grocery Outlet). It saved me a ton of time and stress and tasted great. The second idea? Not so much.

I thought making butter cake would be simple—turns out, I was wrong! It took over three hours to bake eight mini butter cakes. Using the KitchenAid mixer was an unexpected challenge; I had no idea how difficult it could be. Through the process, I gained a huge appreciation for anyone who spends time in the kitchen. It was exhausting and definitely not something I plan to repeat anytime soon.

Thanksgiving lunch went very well. Although I arrived a bit late to my own event (ended up in the wrong line to pick up the turkey), we all had a great time together. I appreciated going around the table to share what we were all thankful for. For me, intentional sharing time at family events are what I look forward to the most. I learned a lot about my family in such a brief time. So I guess going forward, I’ll try to incorporate sharing when I’m hosting. No one ever goes, “why did we do that, we shoulda did something else.”

Thankfully the family loved the butter cake and said it was the best dessert on the table. So I guess it was worth the effort? Actually to be honest, not sure. It was SO much work. Don't do it. Just order it at a restaurant. Or maybe it's one of those things that gets better the more you do it. Not sure.

The walk to the lake with Dad, Allison, and Mayo...

Lots happened during Thanksgiving week besides making butter cake. Lots of stuff going on at work, parties to attend, and of course, lots of eating.

This walk to the lake after Thanksgiving lunch stood out the most. It reminded me of my time with Teri in so many ways.

As our Thanksgiving lunch winded down, I thought it would be nice to take a brief walk around the block. Gilberto and Arian's daughter Allison really wanted to walk Mayo. My dad also needed to get his steps in. Me too. Gotta keep him healthy so he can take care of the grandkids one day, right?

How fun for us to take a walk...especially if mom is helping with all the kitchen stuff like packing the leftovers. After making butter cake, I was reminded again how much I don't like being in the kitchen.

So the four of us headed out. Kind of a random group because Allison is on my mom's side of the family. But it was a beautiful day and it's always good for everyone's blood sugar to walk for ~30 minutes after a heavy meal.

Can't we just stay here? I don't want to go back yet...

The four of us first headed around my usual 1/3 mile loop around the house, as I didn't want to go that far. My dad seemed to be walking at a faster pace than usual, he was actually ahead of us. I then though, why don't we go to the lake? We have time. It's not that far. So we made a turn and walked towards the lake.

About ten minutes later, we made it. I took some pictures, sat on the bench with everyone, and then figured after 30 seconds, I did my part with getting everyone out of the house. I actually over achieved by making it to the lake. Let's leave.

Mayo, Allison, and Dad. What a fun group to hang out with after a yummy meal :)

Allison just sat there, admiring the lake. She didn't want to leave. "Can't we just stay here? I don't want to go back yet..."

Really?? What in the world...It's just a standard Irvine lake. Big deal.

That statement really caught me off guard. Teri instantly came to mind. I'll be honest, Teri wasn't on my mind all day since it was non stop all morning: I went to the gym, yoga class, picked up the turkey in Garden Grove, rushed home, prepared the house, etc..

This moment with Allison reminded me of all the times I wanted to move on to the next thing instead of just doing "calm...quiet...relax."

So I said to her, how about two minutes? I then asked my dad if he needed to use the restroom. He said yes. I now had a legit excuse for us to go back. No way I was just gonna sit there even if it was a beautiful day.

She didn't seem happy with my two minute offer. But then I asked her if she needed to use the restroom and she said yes.

Whew! That made it easier to convince her that we needed to go back. So she gave in but wan't thrilled about it. But then she wanted to hurry back. My dad was now walking slower, so I had to help her get back to the house while making sure my dad was OK. Allison also had no problem walking Mayo. It was a nice walk. We were only gone for ~30 minutes. It could have been much longer.

Anyways, my storytelling isn't that great today. Hopefully you get the point. Any moment that really catches me by surprise that reminds me of Teri is always worth sharing about. It makes me miss Teri a lot, since she was so good at reminding me to slow down, which is what I haven't been good at lately, especially during the holidays.

At the house, I ended up just hanging out with Allison until it was time to leave. I gave her some of my extra stickers I bought for my new water bottle. I tried to get her to read one of Teri's children's books in the room. She's growing up really fast. I'm glad we can hang out again during Christmas.

Did you really just share a story about you with kids?

I guess so. I do want to get better at this, perhaps catch up to Teri. Okay maybe not to that level. But you never know?

At parties and with serving at church, I always focused on the adults. I like adults. Easier to talk to. Now I feel like things have changed. I don't get it.

I tell everyone I love "competing" in Yoga Sculpt class. I want to do the heaviest weights and make it look as easy as possible. There's no point in competing in these classes.

Sometimes I tell myself I can compete with Teri regarding her interactions with children. Yep... I got a LONG way to go. And it's not a competition. But spending time with kids does help me feel closer to Teri, because that's what she loved doing every time there were kids around.

Cute photos of Teri and Khoa at Ruby Falls

Does that mean you want to babysit kids and get more involved in Children's ministry?

LOL, no. I'll stick with doing teardown for Children's ministry after church. Someone needs to do it...

How are you feeling...20 months since Teri's passed away?

December 2 was Teri's 20 month death anniversary.

It's quite complicated still. Overall, I'm feeling very content right now. Less "roller coaster" like because of all the distractions that come with the holidays. Lots of good distractions on top of the social media stuff, like going to yoga classes and making new friends here and there. Nice to not have to worry about a big race as well and just do whatever I feel like regarding my workouts.

Late last month, I was really happy to hear from Teri's brother Kevin that her name plate came in. If you ever visit her at White Chapel Memorial Gardens, you'll know exactly where she is:

It kinda drove me crazy every time I'd visit and this wasn't there yet, especially this past September. Why in the world would it take over a year for a name plate to come in? It should take a week. I was going to make one myself. But like everything in life, I'm sure there's a reason and no need to get upset about it.

The spot to the left of Teri has actually been on my mind. I'll write about that another day. Long story.

Are you meeting new people these days?

This comes up alot too. Not really. I do talk to people at the gym, yoga, and at Timeleft dinners. Some are cute. Sometimes we'll exchange contact info and stay in touch. My dad also seems to be proactive in introducing me to new people. I do what I should not be doing. I compare Teri to everyone I meet. I then say, "I will just stay single forever." I'm also relieved when I meet someone and they already have a boyfriend. It's probably out of fear of finding love again and how in the world I'd manage someone new in my life when I still think about her every day.

When I was with Teri, I didn't want to be compared to others. So why should I compare others I meet to Teri? The goal isn't to find someone better. There will never be another Teri.

I guess I'm truly thankful to be single for another holiday season. Grief is so complicated. Even after 20 months...

Time for bed, I guess to be continued...

What's your favorite video you've made in the last 30 days? The APT dance is actually in second place, as that song has been stuck in my head all day. My real favorite video is actually this one. Nothing fancy, but makes me very emotional every time I watch it:

I wish Teri and I could have made more of these...

I miss her very much and would have loved to argue with her throughout Thanksgiving weekend about making a mess in the kitchen and stressing out about having to make a bunch of her favorite dishes. I miss all the arguments. The fighting about the most ridiculous stuff. Well at least I thought it was ridiculous. I miss getting in trouble for all the dumb stuff I thought was OK to do when I was single. Getting in trouble means that someone cared enough to call me out on stuff I shouldn't be doing. I love my freedom now, but definitely would rather be "managed" by Teri since she was the best CEO I've ever had and also the cutest. I'm thankful that this suffering is temporary. I'll see her again in heaven and hopefully there won't be much to argue about.

My friend Grace said it best to me a few hours ago, regarding her daughter's cancer battle.

By the grace of God, Sophie is cancer free as of Feb 12, 2024 (the day her port was removed). It was a long journey for their family. Grace shared the bible verse at the top of this post on that day. It's what I needed to read today.

Friends like Grace, whom I don't see often but who have kept me in their thoughts and prayers, make me feel so loved and understood. Just like all of you readers.

It's getting late and I need to wake up in four hours, so if you're still reading, thank you. I understand that this holiday season might be stressful for you in some ways. My hope and prayer is that you'll be mindful with every moment spent with your loved ones. This can vary for each person, whether it's giving them gifts or simply having a meaningful conversation. Or perhaps it's a big hug, something I wish I could have from Teri right now. You never truly never know if you'll have the chance to see them all again next year.

Have a great rest of the week,

Erwin